Saturday As Usual
by PiffPoffSplash
Summary: Sometimes you have to hurt the person you love in order to protect yourself. Spike walks into my room like usual only, this time, it's different. He's breaking the rules. Please Spike...walk away...walk away or I'll have to. SpikexFaye
1. Chapter 1

Just like clock work, he walks in. His breath is soft and steady but, like an ear shattering scream, it seems to pierce through the silence of the room. I feel him pause and stand, slowly regarding my sleeping form. He knows I'm not asleep, but I pretend to be - if only for a few moments more. Like always, he waits patiently until I'm ready to continue; this is a play and we know our parts perfectly.

Only, something is different this time. My heart is pounding like it did the first night, and I can feel he's unnerved too. Shit, I've waited too long - but I still don't move, I'm too scared to make another move. Damn it Faye, move, I will my body to get up but it takes a few moments for it to listen.

Slowly, I slip the blanket off my body. I feel him tense a little, but he does not back away. I gracefully lift my body and delicately place my feet on the ground. Our play has transformed into a dance and, now, it is my turn to take the lead.

I look up and capture him in a steady gaze; from this point on, our stare will not break until our lips meet. His eyes confirm that something is different about tonight...but what?

'What is running through your head, Spike?'

We exchange no words as I approach - we never do. He swallows hard as I step in front of him and wait patiently for him to take the lead. About a month ago we developed a new ritual, we began to undress each other - Spike always going first. Though, for whatever reason, Spike doesn't act on impulse this time; he doesn't roughly pull me closer and kiss me with what I would call a carnal need, he is still looking at me, like he is trying to build up the courage to kiss me for the first time.

Heh.

I still remember that night like it was yesterday.

* * *

"Oh please, are you still pouting about the bounty?"

I slammed my fist onto the table. "I'm not pouting."

Spike smirked, "how silly of me to think so."

He walked over and took a seat next to me. I immediately moved over and looked the other way. Alright, maybe I was pouting...but it was not for the reason Spike thought it was. He thinks he got the bounty because he out maneuvered me. Well, once again, his logic falls short. It just so happened that when our bounty walked through the doors, I was still looking at the woman he was talking to while he waited for our man to walk through the glass doors.

Was I jealous? Possibly. I'm not sure what was running through my head as I watched him laugh at something she said. I guess I was wondering what she was saying...or maybe how it would feel to have Spike laugh at something I said...and have it not be condescending. What was so different about her anyway? Why didn't he want to sit and talk to me as he waited? ...Because we have nothing to talk about. You think after so much time living together we could actually hold a decent conversation, but after a few minutes of light talk, we always ended up arguing over something...even something as dumb as the color of the couch.

Besides, it is better this way; let him find whoever to fill the void Julia left behind. I've already risked too much even befriending the Bebop crew, anything else could prove disastrous, especially something as fickle as love. I almost laugh, what the hell was I thinking? Faye Valentine doesn't do love.

Then why am I still so mad?

"So that's how it's going to be, huh?" Spike asked after a few moments of silence. "I go through all the trouble of leaving my room, just to come keep you company, and you ignore me?"His voice is light hearted but it makes me clench my teeth in frustration.

I felt my fists clench into balls, "who said I wanted your company in the first place? Why don't you go keep the girl in the bar company huh? What? I'm the only one in the room now, so it's ok for you to talk to me?"

I knew I said far too much so I did something very characteristic of me - I stormed off.

Spike didn't follow.

When I came back to the Bebop, he was still on the couch. Was he waiting the whole time? Of course not. He probably couldn't fall asleep - he has been having trouble with that lately. I don't allow myself to pause for too long; I don't want to give him the chance to stop me. Keeping my gaze pointed forward, I continue to my room, only, I'm not the only one headed in that direction.

My heart pounds faster with each step, why the hell is he following me? Don't let it get to you Faye, he just wants to pick a fight, just keep walking. He doesn't care that he hurt you; he's too wrapped up in himself to care about you. Don't believe anything else, keep the distance between the two of you - you have to keep the distance between the two of you.

I quickly turn around as I walk through my door, holding out my hand as I do so. Spike almost falls as he tries to stop before he runs into me.

"What do you want Spike?"

"What did you mean earlier? About the girl?" He asks, almost sounding...hurt?

Don't let him get to you.

I have to fight to keep myself from blushing in front on him. No way in hell does he deserve to see me blush. "Nothing. Just, get out. Go bother Jet, I'm sure he'd love the company."

"Faye." he says as he steps closer. His voice is soft, nothing like I've heard before.

_He doesn't care about you._

"I'm warning you cowboy."

Keep the distance between the two of you.

Before I can say anything more Spike moves and I'm too shocked to react.

His lips are hard against mine.

_It means nothing._

His hands waste no time on gentle caresses.

_It's only a release of frustration._

He leads me to the bed and takes me.

_Oh God, he's broken me._

When we finish, I turn over and pull my blanket over my body.

I can't face him -I'm too ashamed. I degraded myself and for what? For a Saturday of meaningless sex? What did I do?

The room is silent save for the sound of our heavy breathing - when did it begin feeling so awkward? I want to turn over and look at him but I can't. I know it meant nothing and I don't trust my voice to hide my pain.

What can I say anyway?

'Thanks for the good time?'

Why the hell is he still here?

As though he can read my mind, he begins to move. No words leave him as he slowly gets dressed and walks out of my room. Why the hell do I feel so betrayed? Couldn't he have said good night? Is he thinking the same thing about me?

And that is exactly how our 'relationship' continued. He would come into my room and I wouldn't deny him anything. I never went to him though - not once did I make it seem like I was the one that needed him..

I _never_ gave him that satisfaction.

* * *

Suddenly, Spike's hand begins to move. He brings it up to my face and gently captures my chin. My eyes grow wide and he falters but he doesn't let go. Not waiting for another reaction, he slowly brings his lips down to meet mine.

I freeze.

He's kissing me...his lips are so soft...so warm...I want so badly to get lost in them...

No...this isn't how we play the game.

After receiving no response from me, he stops. He regards me with curious eyes but doesn't pull away. I can still feel his heart beat on my chest, it is beginning to pound quicker with each passing moment. Is he scared?

"Do you want me to go?" He asks after a beat. His grip on me loosens up, his confidence is slipping.

I try to say something but the words get stuck in my throat. Spike has changed all the rules and I'm caught completely off guard. I hate him. I hate him for making me drop my guard and then pulling a stunt like this. I'm not supposed to be this weak. I always said emotions for others were pointless, and this is illustrating a perfect example of why.

Emotions make you weak, they make you easy to fool. If you want to survive in this world, you can't be weak. He is silently asking me to give myself to him, well, Spike, you can't always get what you want - the same goes for me.

I can't give myself to you. Please, please understand that.

_Caring about people makes you weak._

I'm scared...so scared.

_It will only cause complications in the end._

I'm not used to caring about anyone, if I could, I would throw you out of my heart, but I can't, so I'll have to pretend to not want this from you.

_You end up worrying about things you shouldn't._

Walk away Spike...please walk away. Save me by hurting me.

He lets go of me and breaks our gaze. I rejected what he offered.

He leaves, defeated, and I break down.

* * *

This might continue for a few more chapters?  
I'm still tryng to decide how I feel about this piece.


	2. Chapter 2

I play the game alone; I'm the player that lurks near every group, waiting patiently to jump in and steal the reward of everyone's hard earned work. Sure some come to hate me, but there is always a hint of that fascination they had before they learned about my nature. I've gotten so many generous proposals but, as always, I turned them down with an arrogant scoff and a scolding of, "you should have known better."

Sorry fellas, Faye Valentine doesn't play that way.

Some say I lived what most would call, 'a lonely existence.' Well, I would disagree. When I wanted company, I went out and I found it. I can play any role - I can be any girl I want to be for the evening; and no matter what role I played, people always flocked to me. Of course, I was never really part of the group; I was always the outsider looking in. I was the one that was always left wondering what it felt like to actually belong.

But, from what I have observed, belonging makes one weak. When you belong you place other's safety before your own, a stupid move, since you will always wind up hurt the hurt one in the end. You're also not allowed to do as you please; Slowly, you begin to realize that your actions affect all those around you, which also leads you to realize that the actions of other people, can, and most likely will, end up affecting you...and usually the outcome is negative.

Heh, and people claim that relying on others makes you stronger - if only they really understood what it meant. But what can you expect? Everyone is so obsessed with wanting to be part of some group that they blind themselves to the truth. I won't fall pray to that, I'll make it just fine on my own.

That's why I never allowed myself to get close to anyone - if anything, it made it so much easier to make off with their valuables the next day.

Did it ever bother me? Hardly. I'm not the one who made up the rules - I just follow them. I'm no different than anyone else who wants to survive. We all take what we all need - it's really as simple as that. Morals play no role in this new world.

I guess there was just not enough time for regret or doubt to set in.

...until they came along.

The child, the mutt, the father figure, and the lunkhead.

They ruined Faye Valentine.

Maybe I should be thankful they came along. They saved me from the point of no return. I was becoming more jaded and numb by the second. People stopped being living creatures to me, they were just robots with no worth. My dislike and distrust was growing too strong to be reversed, then they changed it all.

Who would have thought that such a pathetic group like them would break me? I still find myself laughing about it. But, then, sometimes it makes the most sense out of anything since I woke up.

You see, we are all broken - wounded, in what seems to be, an irreversible way. All of us have a burden hanging over hour heads, one that seems to get heavier with each passing day. We cling to each other because we give each other the strength to continue. We need each other - we couldn't make it alone; our pride has kept us from admitting it so far, and we probably will never speak of it aloud, but we all know it's the truth

Just another unsung song of the Bebop.

From an outsider's perspective, we may seem like a very dysfunctional group; it probably appears like none of us want anything to do with the other - but that's just our cover. Emotions are too risky for us. We have to pretend to be distant to save ourselves.

Am I happy that I found them? I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess I don't really know what I have. I just...I never expected to find a home and I'm sure they never meant to keep me. It was supposed to be like all the other times, they were supposed to be nothing but tools used to help me advance my own life. All I wanted was their money, nothing more, but I ended up with something more than I expected...and now I don't know how to deal with it.

See, I'm a stray; an alley cat that wanders alone. I may look helpless and half starved, but I have a furry in me that rarely lets me down. I never relied on others because I never needed others. People were worthless to me, just objects that made one weak and vulnerable. I was perfectly fine living the rest of my life out alone. 

...so what the hell changed?

What was it about them that made me change?

Maybe it's because I like having someone to come home to. As much as I complain about it and try to pretend I hate it, it actually comforts me to know that people are waiting for me to come home after I go out - even if they would die before they would admit to it.

I still remember the first time I realized what the guys were up to. It was really a moment of linking several different instances together - maybe it was even a low scale epiphany.

The first time I really noticed something bizarre happening was the night Spike came back from a three day hunt of a bounty. Jet was already asleep and I was getting ready for a night out. His eyes were blood shot and his shoulders were slumping forward, the guy was exhausted.

"How was the bounty?" I asked as I walked out of my room.

He grumbled something under his breath and took a seat on the couch.

"What was that?" I asked.

"He got away."

I paused for a moment then began to laugh, only furthering his aggravation. "He got away? After three days of chasing him, he got away? Way to go Cowboy."

He growled, "I don't need you're snide comments, Faye."

"Hey, I'm not the one who insisted he wanted to go alone on the chase, then come back empty handed. You blew it so deal with the outcome. Wait until Jet finds out, he'll be fuming, the reward was supposed to get us through the next week."

"I said I don't need your comments, Faye."

I sighed, he was obviously in no mood for my attitude. Whatever, I had a date with the slots to attend to. "Get some sleep." I said as I walked out the door. I had no time to deal with a foul mood Spike.

* * *

It was early morning when I decided to return. I expected the Bebop to be empty but was surprised to find Spike sitting on the couch watching TV.

"You're still up?" I asked him as I walked into the Bebop.

"Can't sleep," Spike answered but his voice and appearance betrayed him. His voice oozed exhaustion and it was clear that he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

Was he waiting for me?

Of course not, but...

Whatever, I was too tired for Spike's games. I looked him over for a minute before I decided to continue on to my room - I didn't bother trying to figure him out anymore. "Well, I'm going to sleep. Got to have my beauty sleep, you know?"

I cast a glance over my shoulder after I received no reply. I couldn't help but smile when I saw that he had fallen asleep on the couch. With a shake of my head, I walked over to him - he looked so peaceful when he was asleep, but then, I guess we all do. Sleep is the best way to escape your problems, it is the only time when you're pure, when you're not yet touched by all the sin and corruption of you life. I shook my head, it wasn't the time for such thoughts.

After a quick scan of the room, I found a blanket and covered him. For a moment I hesitated, I knew my action would be greeted with a harsh reply in the morning. Even though he rarely meant them and they had been getting half assed, his words still found some way to hurt. Still, like always, something urged me to take care of him and I gently placed the blanket over his body.

I resisted the urge to pat his hair and quickly walked back to my room. It really wasn't much, but then, nothing on the Bebop was. I'd like to think that I was destined for something more glamorous but my fantasy of luxury was falling further away from me, even then. Slowly, I paused and turned around, my eyes locking on Spike, maybe my life wasn't so bad after all.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a familiar crackling sound in my room. I paused and strained my hearing, trying to focus on where the sound was coming from. The sound had been a constant annoyance for a few weeks and I was determined to find what it was. After an aggravating period of playing find the sound, I managed to locate a comm until hidden behind several boxes near my bed. Upon inspection I realized that it was connected to Jet's room.

My fists clenched in anger.

The nerve of that pervert!

Without thinking I dashed to the door, then paused. The realization was like a truck hitting me. I'm not exactly sure how I linked the two actions together, it just made sense. An exhausted Spike staying up until I came home, the annoying buzz of the comm until every time I went out...the boys were watching me.

My first instinct was to be angry...but something was preventing me from feeling anything close to anger. I felt tears filling my eyes but I quickly fought them down. I wouldn't get too emotional over this. It meant nothing. It would change nothing.

It changed everything.

Of course, I refused to allow that to show. After I composed myself, I once again stormed off to Jet's room; that pervert was not going to get away with spying on me.

Before I could get to Jet's room, I was stopped by a very groggy Spike. The blanket I had placed on him earlier was wrapped around his body as he slowly made his way to his room. He paused when he got to me. We stood for a long time, not speaking, or even looking at each other. I didn't know why, but my heart began to pound and I steadily grew more nervous with each passing moment.

"Here." He didn't look at me as he handed me the blanket, and he didn't wait for me to say anything before he started walking again.

I couldn't do anything but stand there, loosely holding the blanket in my hand. He didn't say anything but that said it all. Where was the snide comment? Where was his mocking retort to my kind gesture? Why was everything changing?

When I was sure Spike had gone, I turned around, looking at his invisible train.

I was falling and I knew I couldn't do anything to stop it.

I was falling in love with a dying man.

No.

No, Faye Valentine doesn't love.

Sorry Spike, Faye doesn't - won't - play that way.

* * *

Sorry for the long wait  
I am quitting my job soon and I agreed to work double days until I do - it ends this Saturday.  
So, I'm not too fond of this chapter(especially the ending) but I wanted to get something out there for you guys. I'm going to continue this story, I have no idea how long it will turn out to be...or what the main story line is really going to be - maybe just Faye reflecting on things.

The next chapter will soon. 


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear God,_

_If I dye my hair the right color and buy the right underwear, will I be perfect like Julia?_

He likes to keep himself disconnected with most of the people around him. Sometimes, it feels as though he prides himself on keeping such a mysterious facade; the unnamed hero killing the bad guy then walking away leaving everyone wondering what's his name and what he's about in the morning. Only, he's no hero. He's the guy that's out for himself and occasionally, does something good for others.

Does that sound harsh? I suppose it is.

There's much more to him than that. So why is that what he wants others to see? Why can't he accept credit for the good deeds he has done and stop punishing himself for the bad he did in the past?

I still don't know him well enough to answer that.

But I know him more than he thinks I do - or more than he lets on that he knows, in which case my theory would be thrown completely out the window - in the words of Jet, "just another episode in wasting time with Faye." Something inside me tells me the latter is not the case. Spike wouldn't waste time on a woman who was too simple minded to figure a part of him out. Or maybe I am stuck in some arrogant fantasy which makes me special.

I have to admit that I can get a little arrogant when it comes to Spike. Unlike most people, I know him - at least, as much as anyone can know him. A sense of pride always fills me when I walk into a building with Spike at my side. He's an attractive man and it's no surprise that women tend to take notice of him when he enters a room. It's also no surprise that their eyes tend to stray to me, questioning who is that woman next to him. Unlike them, I have a history with this fellow, I am connected with him in a way none of them are and most likely, never will be.

I have what they want.

I am different.

...except for _her._

I am no one when it comes to her.

She stole everything I could ever have before she could cast a gaze in my direction.

How can I hate someone I don't know?

It seems to come naturally when it deals with her.

So many of my days have been wasted away, watching him think of her. Jet probably assumes that he's just wallowing in his boredom but I know he is thinking of her. His eyes become distant when he thinks about her. Spike leaves the present and goes back in the past where I do not exist. He leaves me to go to her and while I will fight it as much as I can, it kills me.

He always chooses her over me.

He always has.

...that's why I moved away. That's why I rejected what he offered. Because the moment Julia comes back into his life, he will forget me and move on with her. She has been his treasure for years now, he will not turn his back on it because he found some bronze along the way.

This is not something that is new. I've been living on the outskirts of happiness for years now. It's close enough to reach over and touch, but there is always a blockade disabling me from getting a firm grasp. Part of it is how I present myself. I know how I come off to people. Men may want me and some woman might want my body, but it's a purely physical want. No one is interested in what I have to say. Why would they? I'm just Faye Valentine, something to be used. And I play the part so well.

It's not like I was a challenge. He probably laughed at how easy the task was. Maybe he was expecting a good fight, something to work for...and I just gave in. I gave in because I needed him. I needed him to look at me, and to feel his lips against mine...to feel his body pressing against mine...and to hear him whisper my name.

He is everything to me.

Why can't I be everything for him?

It all goes back to her again.

Julia must be one class act. She has to be if she caught Spike's heart. I bet she has smooth skin and a soft voice. Her gaze is probably captivating - something that demands everyone's attention. She's probably more sophisticated than me, more articulate and selfless... she's probably everything I'm not.

And she has something I never will.

I bet he listens to her attentively when she speaks. When she sings, I bet he smiles instead of frowning as he does with me. He probably has no problem going out with her and spending the day doing nothing, even though he complains about being bored when he is around me. He'd never take me up on going for a walk around a lake or seeing a stupid movie we can barely afford.

He'd probably just laugh at my request then make some joke and walk away.

But...that night...it felt so...real.

He was looking at me, not at Julia. Spike was looking into my eyes and expressing a need for me. Maybe he needs me like I need him. If so, why does he keep playing these games? He has to know they will push me away...

I jump off the counter and head for the living room - a decision has to be made. Games can only last so long before they get old and this one has definitely gotten old. What do I expect by confronting him? The hell if I know. Maybe some peace of mind. Maybe a few weeks of pain and then some peace of mind. Maybe nothing at all.

In any case, we can't go on avoiding each other. If this was a mistake, then it was a mistake. We'll leave it at that and go our separate ways. I'll be hurt for a couple of days and things can return back to normal. A mistake can't ruin everything that we have. It can't ruin the way the Bebop functions. If Spike refuses me, I'll have to pretend that it's ok.

I'm good at playing parts; I can play any role. This will be like all the other times before...

"What's the deal, lunkhead?"

There is a long pause before he answers. He's not thinking of what to say, or even finding the courage to have this conversation. He's not giving me the time of day - we're back to that routine are we? "Don't worry about it, Faye."

Well, when he puts it like that...

"How can you tell me not to worry about it?"

Spike gets up. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Too bad cowboy, you're not walking away from this one. "Just drop it Faye. This doesn't have to become difficult, alright. Don't let one fuck up make things awkward. You're not supposed to be complicated."

So that's how it is. My face must have shown some hint of my pain because his stern gaze falters. But, just like Spike, my mask returns and I am facing him down. "So, that's it? That's what this is. It's not complicated?"

"F- what else can it be, Faye?"

It could be something more. It could have been the start of something that might have made us happy. What the hell was I thinking? Why did I listen to my heart and not my head. I faltered and now, he's going to shatter me. There was no point in questioning his actions; it was just alcohol deciding to play another trick on me.

...that couldn't have been it.

"I guess that's it then." I say.

His eyes grow wide and he looks away.

Stand behind your words, Spike. I am sick of this state of confusion. Pick your path and stick to it, stop wandering into the woods and losing your way. I understand that it's a difficult decision but you need to acknowledge that your decision affects other people. You string me along then give me hope...only to tell me that it was a mistake and nothing more.

I can't take this anymore.

There is only one solution to end this. He has to choose. I pull at the hem of my shirt and shake my head. I can't make him do that. If I make him choose then I will be left behind.

I can't be left behind.

Why can't you want me, Spike?

Why do I care?

It doesn't matter. He's made a decision and it's not me.

I turn around but his arm grabs my shoulder. For a second, I stand there, debating whether I should turn or not. If I continue walking, everything will come to an end. He'll let me go and that will be the end of our story. I don't know what I'll see if I turn around. The uncertainty scares me.

Spike stopped me. He didn't let me go. He doesn't want things to end...

Before I can turn around, he lets go. I don't react. Why can't I ever react in time? I hear him sigh then start walking away. Is it my turn to stop him? Should I go after him?

But he's gone and my chance is lost.

Confusion will still walk beside me and emptiness will still rock me to sleep...he'll return tomorrow night and I'll accept him - both wishing that I was her...Spike's Julia.

...just another Saturday as usual.


End file.
